Burned

Today has been another tough one for me.  I felt a little thrown under the bus by a dear friend of ours and I just had a heavy spirit about the situation.  I didn't know what to do about it, but felt like I needed to not let it fester.  I sent an email explaining how I felt.  A few hours later I received a phone call from him and he asked to meet.  I was SCARED to death!  It was one thing to share my feelings with him from the comfort of my home and through the ease of the internet, but to meet with him face to face was another thing.

We met up, discussed the issue, and all is well.  Albeit, it was a hard conversation for me to have, I did it and I give God all the glory.  I have such a pride issue about crying in front of people.  I just don't like it and I think its because when I cry I feel insecure, out of control, and like I am any other woman being run over by their emotions.  The crazy thing is I just need to accept it.  I am sure that this, too, is part of the brokenness I am going through.

In our conversation, he said to me, "You've been burned, haven't you?"  I didn't quite understand what he meant and so he clarified by saying, "People have really burned you in the past."  "Yes, yes they have.  And especially men!" was my response.  He gently and politely told me that I needed to deal with it and realize that I could trust him.  That was hard for me to hear as I think we all don't like being called on our junk.  This man is one whom I greatly respect as a father figure in my life.  He is a man of great integrity and who passionately seeks the Lord.  He also kisses me on the cheek and gives me a big hug almost every time we meet.  I can trust him.

Although it wasn't easy and I didn't like all the aspects of the conversation, I realized that I needed to have that hard conversation and I have some work to do.  Trust isn't always easy, but what I am learning is that I can't base my future relationships on my past relationships.  I need to begin to retrain myself.  So this is something that will be on the prayer list and I have asked my husband to pray for me about this also.

Another hard part to my day was that my husband called me on being defensive.  I had this grand plan to make and blog about biscuits and gravy (Paleo style of course) and Michael was just as excited to try them with me.  I took a picture of the recipe on my phone and so I didn't have it in front of me and I ruined it.  I was supposed to whisk the egg whites and I didn't.  I was angry with myself because I had ruined breakfast and it was at a very expensive cost.  Eating Paleo is not cheap and I try to buy all natural and organic stuff as much as I can.

Michael suggested that I just turn the mixture into a pancake mix and it would be great.  In my frustration, I jumped on him and very loudly replied, "It just won't work!"  He asked me why it wouldn't work and I didn't have an answer to why it wouldn't work and so I said, "It just won't!"  He called me on being defensive.  After I had a cool down moment, I realized he was right and I was being very defensive.  He called me on it later.  I asked him to please be in prayer about this for me because he has called me on this several times in the last week.  Although my plan for biscuits and gravy didn't work out we did enjoy pancakes and they were great.  I think I can also tie this into trusting my husband to love me enough to try and help me fix the problem instead of being so quick to lash out at him.

This may be a long post, but I wanted to touch on a few more things.  Michael is such a great husband that I couldn't have asked for anything better.  Here is his latest note for me:

I love him and am blessed to to life with him.  All I needed to do this morning was read this and be reminded that Michael is going to love me no matter what.  Even if I ruin a meal or two.  And more than likely, he will probably eat it with a smile on his face :)

I also wanted to share something that we have begun.  We are calling it our prayer jar.  It's just a large jar that was used at our wedding that I use as decoration on my night stand.  Since it was just sitting there I decided to put it to good use.  I believe that God laid it on my heart to start doing this.  Michael and I have both put names of people, things, countries, or whatever we would like to pray for.  Each night we draw out 1 or 2 and we pray for whatever is on the card.  Last night was the first night to do it and we had a bit of a funny moment that I won't go into on our blog, but feel free to ask me in person.  Maybe I'll tell you! I also believe that when we pray, God answers.  So hopefully as we continue adding things and people that we would like to pray for that we would be able to take out some of those cards because of the mighty hand of God moving and answering prayers.  How cool would that be?  Here is what the jar looks like:

Last night we pulled out a card that said "unsaved people of the world" and "Megan and Avery Davis".  I chuckled because Megan asked me to be her guest blog today because they are vacation in Fredericksburg. Here is a link to Megan's blog.  It was such a privilege to pray for them and the unsaved people.  I am excited to see what God does and how He moves.

Teach me, Lord, to recognize my faults and give them to You so that I can move forward in life.  I want to learn what I can about what I need to fix about me so that You O'Lord can be glorified.  Amen.